"22...28...22...28..."
Monday, August 30, 2004
 
"Its elementary dear Watson"
I've had my brakes go out on me.. Sharp grinding sound followed by a short pop when the pedal hits the floor.
I've had my clutch go out on me.. Snap sound when the clutch hits the floor followed by grinding noises when trying to put the car in gear.
I've had my transmission go out on me.. Horrible smell, with grinding noise followed by an abrupt jolting stop in the middle of the road.
I've had my radiator blow up on me.. REALLY horrible smell followed by hissing sound and smoke rising from the hood.
I've had a tire blow on me.. Loud bang sound followed by the inability to easily manuever the car to the side of the road.
I've had the steering go out on me.. Slight snap with the entire steering wheel becoming unturnable.
I've had the battery die.. Where I can't turn ANYTHING on in the entire car including the radio to make time go by faster while waiting for rescue.
And.. I've had the starter die on me.. whirring sort of chugging sound that normally results in the turning over of the engine...

SO.. at 7:15 this morning.. when driving down the road I noticed a knocking sound coming from under the hood followed immediately by my check engine symbol popping on.. and my entire car shutting down. I pulled off the road and coasted into a parking lot. Turned the key.. listened to a totally new high pitched whirring accompanied by a slapping sound.. I told my husband the timing belt had gone. How did I know this? Good guess? No no.. Manner of deduction. I know all the other.."Oh shit I'm not making it to work today cause the car is dead" sounds. So.. simple reasoning. All the problems cars normally have.. The timing belt is the ONLY one I believe I havent heard before.
Damn! I should've been a frickin detective!

Friday, August 27, 2004
 
"HEY! WATCH WHERE I'M GOING!!!! JERK OFF!"
So, the main road I take on a daily basis to and from work is a rather long one. One where I generally get stuck behind some yahoo in an SUV who of course insists on doing the speed limit along with everyone else around him. But today, was some what magical. I pulled in behind this green mini-van....
Internal Dialogue....
Hmmm.. I really do like those Caravans. They look so roomy. Crap that idiot next to me needs to move before I end up in the back of this Caravan checking out just how much space there really is.....I think I want to watch Independence Day tonight. That's a good movie.. Hey.. Is that a screen inside the Caravan. Cool.. I can get lots of room AND a DVD installed to keep the kiddies happy. I know that movie.. Hey! It's Independence Day! That's Will Smith.. and yeah.. He's dragging the body of that alien. Cool.. Yup. He's in the desert.. And there's the caravan of... HA! I said there's a caravan while watching a movie inside a Caravan that is directly in front of me and OH SHIT! BREAK LIGHTS!!!!
*Tires squealed a bit* The woman driving glanced in her rearview mirror and gave me what I'm sure was a dirty look and a few choice words. But I avoided collision. This time...
Honestly Officer. .It wasn't my fault.. She had the damn TV on!

Thursday, August 26, 2004
 
Wouldn't Darwin Be Proud!!!!
Proof positive that Chimpanzees are ascending the evolutionary ladder.. Posted by Hello


Tuesday, August 24, 2004
 
NOTICE!!!
Put a pin on my map dammit! I wanna know where people are from.. So far I have my Jen, and a Girl who likes to Dance in the Rain. ;)

Where's the rest? And you know who you are.

 
My In Box This Morning.....
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked."No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

DEDUCTIVE REASONING

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"



Friday, August 20, 2004
 
A little older... Feeling just a little more stupid about the whole damn thing.
I was TWELVE!! Or Eleven or something. The movie "Lambada" was just coming out in Theaters, and Madonna was my favorite singer. So I called the radio station hoping to get them to play a song for me. I hadn't ACTUALLY been listening to the radio at that time, just wanted them to play a song for me, so I could record it on the blank tape I had just bought. After all, blank tapes were cheaper than the real ones, and my allowance at the time wasn't anything substantial. I remember the line being busy when I called first. And annoyed and persistent that I was at that age.. Or any age.. I called right back. The phone rang, and the Deejay answered after a few rings. I jumped right into my request for the song, begging the Deejay NOT to talk during the opening intro because I wanted to record it. Like I said, I was 12 or something. So, when he chuckled confusingly at me, and asked me if I knew how to Lambada I replied with an offended, NO! And when he went on, smirking I know, to ask me if I wanted to learn how.. I yelled at him that he was gross and I was just a kid and he was a bad bad man. Hanging up the phone in triumph of that small victory of labeling a dirty old man, I quickly clicked on the radio to see if he was going to play it. I mean obviously I had something important to say and he SHOULD put that on the radio. Instead.. I hear the Deejay laughing and answering the next phone saying that the young girl on the phone before didn't want the tickets, so he still needed a winner.
1. Radio stations don't want you recording songs right from the radio as it takes away from sales which eminently takes away from their paychecks.
2. Even as a small child my mind was in the gutter. At least at that age I was appalled by it.

Thank God I got over that affliction.

 
Seen crossing the street....
Red and white Tennis Shoes, Black mid-calf socks pulled up, Khaki shorts, Black shirt, Red and White Umbrella.

I'm not sure whether to be proud of him for his colorful symmetry or call whatever home he escaped from.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004
 
Fashion Faux Powder
Just because the mini powdered donut discarded on the ground matches the soft white of my new open toed shoes, does not make it an added accessory when squished underfoot and slides up through opening in said toe of aforementioned brand new white shoe.

AND! RECENT PEDICURE DIDNT BENEFIT EITHER!

Monday, August 16, 2004
 
The clouds closed in turning the daylight into a dewey twilight void of shadows filled only with the heat trapped with the thick moisture of the air. The splash of light across the sky rolled instead of cracking with the thunder in quickend spurts.

 
Not that it really matters...
But the number counter at the bottom of my blog was listed at 1137 about a week ago before it freaked out on me and started cycling into the hundred thousands. I want to be an honest blogger, for the most part, so I tried to correct the number count and adjust it from 715, 345 back down to my substantial and competant 1137. It started my numbers over, it shouldn't have, but it did... So.. When you view my blog, if you happen to notice the tally number of visits at the bottom, please mentally add 1137 to that number. My ego is paining me on this one.

Sunday, August 15, 2004
 
The guy may have been old, but he was drunk when he walked in. And not too nice when he was cut off before even getting his first drink. So, yes, that was me jumping and diving behind the DJ equipment when the "funny" bartender set off a round of firecrackers.

 
Whatsatmean?
Your ears are burning, someone is talking about you....
Your left palm itches, you are going to be losing money...
Your Right palm itches, you are going to be getting money...
I've even heard of a bird pooping on your arm being good luck...

So.. what does it mean when you look up at the sky and a rain
drop does a slamdunk in your nostril?

Thursday, August 12, 2004
 
Come and see.....
Red Neck Vacation

 
Pre-revenge....
My boss was a total jerk yesterday. He was being rude and sarcastic, even condescending at times. I no longer feel bad about giving him my head cold on Monday.

Sunday, August 08, 2004
 
Mall Therapy 101...
Hints that you should just drop your shopping bag and run....

1) You order a pretzel with salt and cream cheese and get a brown sugar with marinara.
2) When trying to find a matching bra and panty set they either have only one or the other and if they do have both one of them is the completely wrong size.
3) After finally deciding on a purchase the line at the cashier, which 30 second before had 1 person in it, now has the entire frickin store needing to leave at the same damn time.. (and with the other half of the matching bra and panty set you couldn't find)
4) Your friend drags you into a store made for stick figures.
5) Your friend drags you out of a store filled with wonderful lotions for fear of you stinking up her car on the drive home.
6) Your friend asking the dressing room assistant to please grab her a size 2 because the size 3 was too baggy on her.
7) Being completely unable to find one single white shirt in your size that would match the red skirt you bought a week before, when you didnt by the white shirt that originally matched it perfectly cause you wanted to try something different.
8) When you need a simple black belt, but the only ones in your size are brown.
9) When you walk up to the counter with your purchases to stand next to your friend who you thought was waiting for you, chat with her for five minutes before finding out she's done and you aren't in line to check out, but 7 other people now are.
10) When the lady at the make up counter, sells you your eye shadow, puts it in the bag, and you are across the mall on the way to the parking lot when you realize the stupid clerk had given you the shadow that you had just told her you already had at home.


Saturday, August 07, 2004
 
A little bit of bubbly please
After an intense, exhausting night of playful love making with your significant other, an open can of fizzy cold root beer accidentally spilled into your crotch is a surprisingly welcome sensation. Hmmmmmm.......Tingles in a rather soothing manner. WARNING! Adding vanilla ice cream to make it a root beer float will only incite another round. I highly recommend it.


Monday, August 02, 2004
 
Wonderfully Unspoken Compliment
The light was green for a full 45 seconds before the truck driver in the big rig noticed enough to begin pulling into the intersection. He was too busy staring at my unclad legs that I was shifting in a short skirt to realize his surroundings. Know your assests ladies...know your assests.


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